When toupees attack.
My co-workers and I were in the lift after work when it stopped at the 14th floor. The doors slid open to reveal…
(For those of you who don’t know, Eddie Gil was someone who ran for president in the last Philippine elections. He is, without a doubt, the most ridiculous candidate in that election. He is also famous for his extremely thick and obviously fake toupee.)
The lift, earlier on bursting at the seams with noise and chatter, suddenly fell completely silent as everyone realized who he was. I’d give it about a minute’s worth of the occupants of the lift staring at him and him staring back at all of us.
Eddie Gil (yes I have to type out his whole name, ask not why for I cannot explain the need to do so. I suppose -look a Star Wars reference even if the last SW movie I watched was Ep. 1 and walked away sickened by it! But I digress- it’s like when you talk about Darth Vader. You don’t just say Vader, or Darth, you have to say the whole thing. Wtf did I just say?) was flanked by three bodyguards and a woman in puce. Imagine the dismay in their faces as they realized that the lift was too cramped to allow their bulky bodies in.
So Eddie Gil goes, “Sunod nalang kayo (Just follow),” and steps into the lift. The woman in puce squeezes herself into the lift beside him and they leave the rest of the coterie behind.
Let me take this moment to (again) digress and ask: Why the hell did he leave his bodyguards behind? And why did the bodyguards let him do that? If I was his bodyguard, I would’ve done my job and insisted that he stay put until a vacant lift would show up. If you’re going to hire muscles, might as well as make use of them.
The entire time the lift was making its way to the ground floor, I found myself staring at his toupee and wondering at the extreme fluffiness of it. I am hazarding a guess that the man lovingly fluffs this piece before placing it oh so gently on his head in the mornings. I couldn’t tear my eyes from it.
And (going back again to the bodyguards – I’m tenacious that way) the whole time I was discreetly staring I kept thinking that if I aimed a shot at his head (since his bodyguards were nowhere near to protect him) the bullet would probably come to a complete halt, thanks to the extreme thickness and fluffiness of the man’s headpiece.
The ride to the ground floor was silent, with Eddie Gil occasionally glancing around to see if anyone recognized him already and everyone else looking everywhere but in his direction. As the bell chimed and the doors slid open, we spilled onto the ground floor as fast as we could.
No one looked back (who knows what sort of powers his toupee held; turning into stone or worse, another headpiece, was a disturbing thought) to see if he was sticking near the lifts to wait for the bodyguards, but the chatter immediately rose to deafening heights as everyone started saying,
“Uy, si Eddie Gil! Nakita mo ba siya? (Hey, it was Eddie Gil! Did you see him?”)
In a small, enclosed place, it was hard not to, but I suppose it needed to be said.